How can I go back?

So I’m from _______ and I have four children. I’m divorced with my husband. After my divorce I didn’t go to my mother’s place – my family’s place. They are all Hindus and I converted to Christianity and my family was very strict about this. I can’t stay with my husband – after 13 years I could not stay with him as my life was not going well with him. So my mother was very angry with me that I left my husband, but for me it was good because it was like leaving a life with depression and every day and every time it was not good.

So on my own I rented a house. I have two sons and two daughters and I rented a house and I started to work so that I can support my children. But life was very tough for me because I had to pay my rent. I was paying 7000 per month rent and I need to earn 1500-2000 more per month so I can pay my bills, so it was very tough for me.

I need to work day and night so that I can pay my bills and everything. Sometimes we don’t have anything to eat if I’m not working, so I don’t have food. It goes on like this for 2 years and I am just thinking how I will sort out all these problems. If I get a house for me it will be more easy for me.

So by that time I was just thinking how to sort out my problem. There wasn’t anyone supporting me, even my family, no one. So I got facebook friends and I had a facebook friend in England. I explained and talk to him about my situation and everything. So he told me he needs someone to work at his place like nanny and in his house and everything. So I accepted to come here to work for him for 200 pounds a month. So I told him to buy my ticket. He said you buy your ticket and I will give you work for a lifetime. In my country I sold every stuff in my house so I can buy my ticket and I can have pocket money to come here.

So when I got to the airport, when I called him, he wanted to have a sexual relationship with me. At that time I was very confused because I left my children and my country, and I am a Christian and that way was not my way.

So I was just thinking what to do now, I have been so far, I travelled twelve hours from my country to the UK, so I could not come back. I was at the airport, the guy was coming and I was thinking what is he going to do with me. I was not sure if he will take me to his house or somewhere else.

I’ve got a friend in Ireland, so I called this friend and told him about my situation. He told me you come to Belfast, I’m going to meet you there and we will sort out this problem. How we are going to find a solution for you. So I take a ticket from Heathrow to Belfast, and I was travelling to Belfast, and at Belfast airport they catch me there.

They were just asking me a lot of questions but I was still in the UK border. I was at George Best airport and they began to ask me a lot of questions and I didn’t understand. And they thought that I’m travelling to Dublin and they just take me to the detention centre. 2 months I’m here but I was in Ireland detention for 4 days.


But the guy who was in London who bring me here he called me on the phone in the detention. And when I was on the phone to him I said set me free. He said no, you broke my trust you can’t be staying out here, even though he knows I have already sold everything in my country.

He threatened me to get me and my children killed in my country, even if I go back. He said he had men in ________ and they will come for your children. The officer called him to talk about him, and he told the officer, she is my cousin, I invited her for two weeks, I don’t know what she was doing in Ireland. Send her back to _________ so she can never come here. So then I told him, I haven’t told anyone for what purpose you bring me here, but I need to talk now so I can get help. So there was a lawyer that came here and I give all. I told the lawyer everything and they brought me again to London. I was in Colnbrook and then they took me to Yarl’s Wood.

So I claim for asylum here and still I have done my interview, I am just waiting. Now if I return back to my country I have nothing. I can’t return back to my mother because she is a Hindu so they don’t accept my religion. It will be very difficult for me. Yeah, so that is my case.

I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know anyone here who can give me an address. My solicitor told me if you get me an address I can get you released from here but it’s my first travelling. Even in my country I wasn’t detained, but now I’m just homesick because I just left my children. I’m so, so depressed, I can’t even eat. 2 months I haven’t seen the face of my children, I talk with them on the phone but I can’t see them.

Immigration told me that there was no trafficking. But the man he brought me here he promised me work he promised me everything. And now even if I go back to my country my children’s life will be in danger. How can I go back? Even if they don’t do me anything if I lose one of my children I will feel guilty for that.

Our mind does not go well here. Even I just forget the way to the shop, the way to the library. I am going mental. We are so depressed, I can’t sleep at night. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, anything. If we was outside like a hostel or something like this, ok, but here we are in jail. It’s a proper jail here.

Anything you apply for, however, is always “no, no, no” and “rejected, rejected, rejected”.

The worst thing is the indefinite detention, which Home Office lies about. People are in here for 8-9 months. I have been here for almost 6 months. This is my third time in detention. Even prisoners know when they will be released. Here, if you don’t do anything, that’s a problem. If you do something, that becomes a problem as well. Time is taken away from our lives. I want to study and want to do my nursing. But I can’t do that. Months are taken away from us, we can’t get that back. It’s not fair.

We want to know, and we are going on the hunger strike. Something needs to be done about the detention system. I am paying a lot of money, just to be refused again and again. It is mentally draining. It needs to take shorter time to make decisions. [My] future is in their hands. I am trying to stay strong. I don’t want to end up on detention medicines. They affect you mentally as well.

Another problem is [how we need to] continue to find some help from outside. Home Office keeps lying, and they [detention centres] are sneaky. The main office will call us to come for something else, like healthcare. Next, the person is locked up for removal without their phone. Some people, when they are locked, don’t even know that the detention centre has your flight ticket. That is why we need to have each other’s numbers, and numbers of each other’s solicitors. We have to rely on other people’s help to communicate to the outside something is being done in here.

I want them to provide us a way to stay in the country. I came here when [I was] 18 years old. I learned how to be independent here. No more friends in —–. If I go back to —–, there is nobody there. If I have people there, I would be okay with going back. I would go back. But right now, I have my partner here. Friends here. Money here. Most people contributed to the country, and people are not on benefits. People worked and contributed. I don’t want the government money in any shape or form.

But applications are being refused by the case workers. What does a person have to do for her case to be considered? I want Home Office to reduce the requirement for the amount of time spent in the country. It’s like… they are not giving the opportunity. We should be given a chance to stay. In [my] situation, you need to do something to solve this problem. Look at the Windrush. What about the Commonwealth countries, then? People who spent 12-13 years in the UK, but do not ‘qualify’ to be the Windrush generation.

It’s like, I do understand that this happened many years ago. I do not want to have British citizenship, but a legal status to work. An option to regularise afterwards. Anything you apply for, however, is always “no, no, no” and “rejected, rejected, rejected”.

What about us? Everything is about the Windrush, and I understand that. But what about the detention system in general? We need to be focused on that as well. There are many people in the detention centres who need to regularise their status, who has been waiting for many years.

It really needs to be considered, because once we are released, it’s just a matter of time when we back here again. It is like a cycle. They take away our futures and lives and waste the tax payer’s money on this detention centres. We have loved ones to go back to. We don’t need to be locked up like criminals—even they know when they are being released. This place is mentally draining me. It is only a matter of time before I end up on depression medication. But I am trying to be strong.

We here at Yarl’s Wood are very glad that the Kgari’s deportation was halted again.

We here at Yarl’s Wood are very glad that the Kgari’s deportation was halted again.

The protesters were taking part in a sit in outside the Home Office department when I was approached by Ope and she informed me she was given a removal window, before we could finish our conversation a manager came and asked her if she could speak with her privately and I sensed immediately what was happening.

I could not reach Ope or her mother by phone but I was able to contact one of their solicitors as we are represented by the same firm and I was able to send messages of support.

I feel a great relief that the deportation was halted but at the same time I feel sad when I think about all the nameless people that were herded onto charter flights days ago, no one knows their names, what happened to them or what could be happening to them right now.

Our lives are not valued, our human rights are not upheld, our spirits are crushed, our identities are anonymous, our faces without form, and we continue to be detained indefinitely, perpetually imprisoned pending an endless unjust administrative hellish nightmare.

All my friends in here have gone

All my friends in here have gone, I’m into my sixth month in here and it’s getting so difficult for me, I don’t see people’s faces just shadows, I don’t want to get to know anyone else, it’s very difficult to care for people who are in such difficult circumstances, the same circumstances I am in myself, I get close to them and then they are either released or deported, I can’t do that anymore.

I can’t talk to anyone anymore, prisoners or officers, after what they did to my friend, I feel betrayed, it’s weird but I do.

Not only that, but the events of Wednesday evening are repeatedly playing on my mind, on top of everything else. I’m not sleeping very well at all, I’m actually having nightmares about the whole thing, I spent all night reading last night.

I’m glad that at least I can write as I think it helps me now more than ever.

I don’t know what I would be like without detained voices.

I can honestly say I have never felt so alone and hopeless in my life, but I have never felt such anger either.

We are still traumatised due to yesterday’s events, I can’t tell you how unsettling this is, I haven’t spoken to a single officer today and I don’t see how I can, I can’t even look them in the eyes, I just keep thinking “I wonder which one of you is going to put their hands on me” after what I saw last night I keep having flashbacks, I feel guilty like I should have done something more, it was very tense and I thought it was going to kick off at one point, we were crying shouting at the officers to let her go, and they were shouting in our faces and threatening us. I can’t get that image of her strapped like a Guantanamo inmate out of my mind.

I have never felt so vulnerable in my life and I have been in some shitty situations, I’m so anxious I can’t relax, it’s like I’m in the wolf’s den and I will get eaten eventually, I don’t know what is worse, the anticipation of the event or the event itself.

I can honestly say I have never felt so alone and hopeless in my life, but I have never felt such anger either.

I hope we can all stick together and stop this happening again, all detainees should stop being afraid, or use that fear to fight for their own and each other’s survival.

We have to make a stand for not just our rights but for what is right.

Unity and Solidarity is what will make the difference.

We have a new chant for our protest and it goes “I’M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THAT”

What I have just witnessed has shocked and angered me so deeply I don’t know where to begin.

After doing a peaceful sit in against the continued detention of torture, rape, gender violence trafficking and modern day slavery victims, we had to witness a brutal removal of an African lady. Her hands were not even cuffed but rather some sort of tape or zip tie was used to tie her hands behind her back.

I and many fellow detainees were shocked and outraged by this and indeed we began to fall into descent before finally composing ourselves as we do not wish to behave like the animals that are detaining us and removing us.

I heard Rupert Soames testify to the Home Affairs Committee that Serco are only concerned with our welfare in detention and try to remove Serco from the reality of removing a person, (LIES, LIES, LIES) well I can tell you those were all Serco Officers brutally removing the lady not Tascor, and a Serco officer just confirmed to me as I am writing this, “it’s part of the job”.

Who’s job is it to uphold decency, human rights and civil liberty.

We have a new chant for our protest and it goes “I’M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THAT”

They put her in handcuffs.

There is a problem. There is a woman who has been in Yarl’s Wood for a year. She was in the kitchen all day working. They told her nothing.

Tonight, 7 male officers came to take her. They put her in handcuffs. It was very violent. She cried. She cried so much.  She was shouting help me, help me, help me.

Everybody jumped from their rooms into the corridor. We went to the door.  We said “go away leave the girl alone”. The officers were shouting back at us. The officers were saying “What the fuck are you doing? Go in your rooms. Shut your mouths.” They talk like that, you understand. It’s not funny. What is wrong with people here. We said why are you being rude to us, like the gestapo. They bully, bully bully you. It’s not nice. It’s violent, it’s very violent.

Why are we not allowed phones with cameras in here? They are hiding something you know, they are guilty. And they feel guilty because they are hiding something.