I have become absolutely depressed and vulnerable now

I am ——– ——– from ———. I am one of the detainee in Yarl’s Wood IRC along with my husband. It has been almost 6 months that we have been detained. It is a very long time for someone to be detained but I can feel that my thoughts are not that important and valued as I am an immigrant.

I and my husband have done everything to stay in this country legally. We have paid taxes and spent our precious youth struggling in this country. My husband came to UK as a student, finished his degree, got post study work and work permit as well, but life had different plans and things did not go well. Our visa was curtailed as the license of the company who sponsored my husband was revoked.

These 6 months’ time period which I have spent and am still spending in Yarl’s Wood has made me a completely different person. I am not the bubbly, jolly, and full of life person which I was before. That person is lost in this detention centre. It has been long time since I have eaten properly. I don’t get any sleep at night. I have lost huge amount of weight, but my physical health and appearance is the least of my worries at the moment when compared to my mental state, which is getting worst day by day. I am extremely depressed and it’s getting more severe day by day. I get panic attacks and anxiety. I get scared of every footsteps passed by the door of our cell. If someone knocks on my door my heart begins to pound faster. Even if I am asleep all of a sudden I wake up being scared and my heart beats faster.

I am getting very emotional writing all this but I am hopeless now and have given up on everything so I had to write this. I need very serious help regarding my depression but I am not getting much help from healthcare here. I had to wait two weeks to get an appointment and finally when I got to see the health care assistant she told me that I have to go through long process until they decide whether I actually need medication or not. We don’t feel any genuine care and help from the health personnel, rather they treat us like whatever is happening to us is not genuine and we are pretending and faking it.

Even though our case is still on going for more than five months we are forced to stay in here. We are on the stage of asking permission of appeal to the upper tribunal in our case. We do believe that it will be granted and our case will go further. Just in case if it is refused we will go for the judicial review. This will not happen in one or two days. It will take some time for the process. In our refusal of the SOS bail 401 there was a reason that we do not have any close ties in this country where we can stay and comply with reporting condition which is not true at all. We have already mentioned in our bail application that we have our cousin who is a British citizen and live with her family, and a brother who is a member of British Army in this country who fully support us by any means. It was even mentioned in the refusal letter that there was no record of us having lodged a further PTA, however, we have an acknowledgement letter of the application of PTA which clearly proves that we did make the application within the time limit.

Even though I did not suffer from any medical condition in the past but after being isolated from the society, family and friends I am in a different position now. How can there be any medical evidence when I am not even being looked up properly by healthcare here in Yarl’s Wood.

Basically, I have given up on my fight and my life now. I feel like I don’t want to live on with this pain every second. Today is my birthday and it’s the first time in my life I am not excited about it. Nothing excites me, makes me feel good or smile anymore. I have become absolutely depressed and vulnerable now. I am suicidal and only think about ending my life to put a full stop on this everyday suffering, even though I try very hard to keep myself calm and composed and to stop thinking about harming myself.

I know if something wrong happens to me, it will not bother the Home Office as I, along with all other detainees, are just numbers for them rather than human beings. At times I do think about all my well-wishers, family and friends who love and care about me, but I am very tired now, and I am feeling that I do not have any desire to live like this.

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