Now they are trying to take way our hope.

It’s me again, still here in Yarl’s Wood.

It’s been a very stressful day. We feel targeted and some of our members have been scared off by the home office and told by officers if they don’t eat it will affect their cases. There are many rumours flying around about protester’s cases. I am still trying to gather the facts but I feel tired and deflated.

They took our freedom, our dignity, our sanity, and now they are trying to take way our hope.

I was told I would not get my medication because I am not eating and I really need my anti-depressants, and I have a muscle spasm in my lower back but I can’t get any pain relief but that’s ok because the pain in my heart is worse.

I wanted to print some photos of screen-shots people sent me with messages of solidarity but I was told that would be dissent. I just wanted to cheer the girls up and let them know they are not forgotten because that is how you feel in here.

One girl just told me that officers have been talking about Diane Abbott saying she can’t do anything for you and it made me angry because even if this is true, she gave the girls hope and made them feel important.

I’m alone in my cell again.

This is good for me, I never get used to people leaving. When my first roommate left I was in bits for two weeks. That’s how it is for me. When I get close to someone and they are released or deported it affects me in different ways all at the same time. I feel happy for them if they are released of course I do but at the same time, I feel really sad for myself that I’m still here, and that I will miss them. Then I feel guilty for feeling sad and I think of myself as a really bad person. It takes me a while to get over it so that’s why I would rather be alone.

Still, when they are deported it’s worse, the staff are very careful about how they snatch a girl so you don’t get to say goodbye. They are taken to segregation where no one can protest or help them and you never see them again. Then I really have to stop thinking about them because when I do all the things that might happen to them go through my mind and it scares me. I begin to think about my own deportation and how it might happen.

I feel like I’m losing myself in here, becoming part of the furniture. I want to scream sometimes and it takes all my efforts to act in a civil manner as I’m so angry all the time. That’s not my personality and this place is changing me. I hope it’s not permanent.

Very sad foreigner Made in Britain

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