I am writing this letter to ask for your help and to inform you of what is happening to me every day and night, night time is the worst. I have demons in my head and unfortunately the Home Office triggered them and now I am suffering daily.
I am loosing sense with reality, I don’t know what is real or not real any more. My detention room gets very cold and I find myself on a wet floor; sometime it is a nightmare and sometimes I woke up on the floor, and sometimes it is very real like a scene from a movie. I am seeing people hanging from the ceilings, mobs setting people on fire, people hacked to death with pangas. Sometimes I smell the burning of a person under a pile of tyres. I hear gunshots and it feels like I am running away from the police. I am seeing a lot of blood and teargas smoke with young people running and screaming. I am hearing voices shouting ‘Don’t just stand there run! You are going to be next!’
Sometimes my head feels very hot and feels like someone can just cut-open the scalp and pour ice, just to cool it off. My ears are buzzing all the time, feeling sick, dizzy and loss of appetite. I sweat and tremble when asleep. And sometimes I find it hard to breath, like I am choking and my heart beats very fast. I am seeing people dangling from the ceiling, I am seeing the chair in my room as a torture chair, I am scared of sitting on it at night. My door is locked from 9pm until 8am and hearing the guards walk at night, the rattling of keys, the opening of the doors at night, door and windows banging frightens me. I wake-up from nightmares only to be frightened by the rattling of keys, doors and windows banging. I suffer from flashbacks and when I come back to reality I am frightened by my cell and officers passing and keys rattling.
I am powerless because I can’t do anything to stop these things tormenting me at night and sometimes during the day. I am trying to avoid certain areas and situations but detention is not helping because it brings back the same pictures and smell I experienced in South Africa during the days of apartheid. I was detained for political reasons and forced to watch people dangling from the ceiling, people being kicked and beat up. In late 2014, when I went to check progress of my case against death threats, I watched helplessly as the police in my country kick, stump, and beat a suspect senselessly on the floor.
The Home Office want to pursue removal when I am suffering from these mental and psychological problems which they have triggered by keeping me in detention for so long and subjected me to night-transportation which is very similar to South Africa’s style of transporting political activist (two or three white officers transporting one black detainee). They have reawakened years of apartheid torture and they must offer me treatment not detention.
It has taken years to heal from the apartheid torture past, my British children and ex-wife helped a lot. I t will take a long time to heal from the reawakened torture past and that cannot happen whilst I continue in detention because UK detention bears similarities with South Africa apartheid detention regime. Years of healing have been undone by detention traumas.